5 steps to saying “no” (without feeling guilty)

Have you ever found yourself stuck in a situation you didn’t like because you were too afraid to say “no”? It might’ve been a social event, a favor, a work obligation, or a plethora of other things that feel too uncomfortable to decline.

If you’ve ever struggled to say “no,” whether it’s in your personal life or at work, you’re not alone.

The ability to say “no” confidently isn’t something people are born with – like public speaking or negotiation, it’s a skill that’s developed with practice. With the right framework, anyone can start becoming more confident in this skill and reap its benefits.

This article covers how to say “no” without feeling guilty in 5 simple steps, so you can reclaim your time, become more confident, and improve your relationships with others.

I made a video that covers these steps in a little more detail, check it out! Otherwise, we’ll cover similar ideas below.


When is it important to know how to say “no”?

Saying “no” was something I struggled with – that is, until I started working as a freelancer in the film industry.

This new career forced me to make decisions and say “no” much more often than I was used to. As a freelancer, I was forced to practice the skill much more often. I quickly found that saying “yes” to the wrong project meant being unavailable for projects that were potentially more interesting, provided better growth opportunities, or paid more. Learning to say “no” was one of the reasons I was able to accelerate my career much faster than some of my peers who had started at the same time as me.

Once I started getting better at saying no in the context of work, I also became more confident in saying it in social situations. I found myself feeling happier with how I spend my time, setting boundaries with people who had been taking advantage of my timidness, and building better connections with friends because I could be honest about what I did and didn’t want.  

Think about the situations you might want to say “no” in your personal and professional life….

Social situations:

  • Getting asked to do favors you’re not comfortable with
  • Spending money on activities or events you don’t care for
  • Being asked out on a date by someone you’re not interested in
  • Feeling pressured to drink or do drugs
  • Getting sucked into conversations that leave you drained (like when someone is just offloading their problems on you or gossiping endlessly)

Work situations:

  • Getting pinged by coworkers when you’re trying to focus
  • Having extra responsibilities piled onto your plate when you already feel overtaxed
  • Being given unreasonable deadlines
  • Your manager assuming you can work overtime without asking
  • Your team not respecting your work-life balance
  • Getting placed on projects that don’t align with your long-term goals

This is far from a comprehensive list, but it gets you thinking about all the situations you might feel too uncomfortable saying “no” in.

You might have a hard time saying “no” to these things because you think it would make you selfish. That’s totally normal! We have an evolutionary need to be accepted and liked. No wonder it feels so unnatural and even stressful to disagree with people in our close circles. 

Saying “no” doesn’t make you selfish. It doesn’t mean you’re mean-spirited.

Saying “no” makes you more honest with others so that you can show up as your best self. It protects your time and energy from being swallowed up by obligations and social pressures.

The upsides of saying “no”

Saying no is a skill that creates a ripple effect on many areas of your life. When you learn how to say “no” to people without feeling guilty, you:

Improve your relationship with yourself by…

  • Reclaiming your time and energy and feeling more in charge of your life
  • Having better clarity on your goals and values
  • Freeing up to say “yes” to things that matter to you
  • Becoming less susceptible to peer pressure or people pleasing
  • Showing up with more intention and energy in both your work and personal life
  • Increasing your self-esteem, confidence, and self-respect

Saying “no” also helps improve your relationships with others by…

  • Setting healthy boundaries with friends, family members, and work
  • Providing feedback for other to understand how to help you
  • Building more honest relationships
  • Building trust in others because they see you being authentic
  • Empowering others to speak up for themselves and be honest about what they need

When you speak honestly, you take care of yourself so that you show up more authentically in the world. When you show up authentically, you end up bringing more of your own unique contributions to those around you.

Want to develop this skill? Read on.


The 5-step process to saying “no” (minus the guilt)

1. Remember your reason

Right now, think about why it’s important for you to be able to say no.

There are plenty of upsides to learning how to say no. Figure out what’s the most important reason for you.

Don’t skip this part. Saying “no” to people is uncomfortable. It’s much more tempting to stay in our comfort zone, to constantly agree with others at the expense of our well-being. If you want to overcome that hurdle, you need to have a “why” that is strong enough to outweigh the desire to proceed as usual.

What’s the most important reason for you to be able to say “no”? Why does this matter to you? How will your life improve when you start being the type of person that’s comfortable enough to speak up for themselves?

Write your “why” down in your phone. Next time you find yourself tempted to agree with someone or do something you’re not comfortable with, open that note and reread it. Remember why you want to do this in the first place, and the rest will come with less resistance.

2. Take your time

Let the person you’re talking with know that you will get back to them with an answer.

Buying yourself some time and getting some space gives you a chance to do two things:

  1. Think through your decision in a lower-pressure environment
  2. Figure out how to say no (if that’s what you decide)

This may feel uncomfortable if you’re used to agreeing with people right away (lookin’ at you, people pleasers). You don’t need to respond to all requests and invitations right away. It’s ok to ask for some time before getting back to someone.

This can be as simple as “Let me get back to you on that” or “I need to check on some things before I can commit.”

Don’t over-explain. They don’t need to know your entire thought process. Let them know you need a little time to get back to them, and leave it at that. Give a time that you’ll follow up by, especially if the request is time-sensitive.

If you can, get some space from the situation. Walk to another room or step away from your computer. When you physically distance yourself from your worry, you give yourself a chance to get some perspective and think clearly, rather than just reacting.

This isn’t an excuse to dilly-dally or procrastinate – get back to them as soon as you can. But know you don’t have to have an answer immediately.

3. Know your “no”

Once you’re in a place that you can think through your decision, if your gut is telling you “no,” figure out what kind of “no” it is.

It’s important to know what specifically is putting you off from the situation, so that you can communicate clearly and with conviction. Plus, it’ll help you understand what you are and aren’t willing to compromise on, or potentially come up with alternatives.

There two different flavors of “no:”

  • “No” to the timing
  • “No” to the situation (or just part of it)

“No” to the timing

Sometimes we have to say no because we have too much on our plate, the timing is bad, and taking on more would cause us undue stress. Maybe your manager asks you to do a presentation on a project you’re passionate about to your broader team, but you’re spread too thin to take on extra work this quarter. Or maybe a friend invites you to happy hour but you have plans later that night or just need some time to relax by yourself. It can even be your coworker pinging you to chat while you’re in the middle of focusing. 

In these situations, it’s often the case that we say “yes” instead of “not now, but later” because we don’t want to miss out on an opportunity we’re interested in, even though taking it on now would mean adding stress to our lives. It’s important to remember that in addition to “yes” and “no,” there are options like “sure, can we find a different time?”

“No” to the situation (or part of it)

Other times, we want to say no because the situation itself rubs you the wrong way, either in part of in full. This could be a close friend who makes you uncomfortable by constantly gossiping about another friend. It might be your boss asking to push up a deadline by a week, which would make you have to work over the weekend. It could be a family member regularly asking for last-minute rides to the airport, or a distant relative who only shows up when he needs help moving. Maybe your peers are pressuring you to drink more than you’re comfortable with.

Figure out what’s the real reason you’re opposed to the situation. Is someone crossing a line, like in the case of a friend constantly bad-mouthing another friend? Are they asking for too much, like the relative who seems to think it’s normal to demand you drop everything to help them with a favor on short notice? Are your boundaries being violated, like the coworker who messages you with requests outside of business hours? Is what’s being offered just not something you’re interested in, like a date with that friend of a friend you’ve always found creepy, or a social event you aren’t excited about?   

Identify what specifically bothers you about the situation. Are there any alternate scenarios you would be comfortable with? For example, maybe you don’t mind driving your great aunt to the airport, but you need to know about it a week ahead of time and not the day before. Or maybe you’d like to help your coworker, but not outside of work hours.

It’s very possible that the whole situation rubs you the wrong way and that you wouldn’t touch it with a ten foot pole, even if some changes were made. That’s ok. The point here isn’t to convince yourself to do something by offering alternatives, it’s to know your own boundaries and what you are and aren’t willing to compromise on.

4. Communicate clearly

Once you’ve taken a moment to understand what you’re saying “no” to, you’ll have better clarity on your reasoning and more confidence in stating your grounds. Being internally clear on what you do and don’t want is already half the battle.

Now it’s time to do the thing and communicate!

Communicating “no” clearly comes down to three things: brevity, honesty, and tone.

Brevity

Keep it short! When you’re saying “no,” you can give as much or as little reason as you want. Most of us want to give some context, but we sometimes over-explain if we’re worried about the other person being disappointed. When we do this, we come off as less confident. Giving too much detail can also backfire by making it look like we’re trying to convince the other person of something (i.e. we’re making up reasons).

Share that you can’t make it, give a short reason why, and move on.

Honesty

Be honest about your limitations, and about what kind of “no” this is. If the timing doesn’t work for you because you need to take some time to yourself, say so. If a project is off-putting because you’d rather focus on a different area of the business, be honest.

Most people are understanding and want to help you feel comfortable. When you’re honest about what’s bothering you, you give others a better understanding of how to work with you. It’s feedback that they can incorporate in the future.

Be honest, but don’t be brutally honest. Sometimes we don’t want to do something because we just don’t like the person who’s asking. If that’s the case, you don’t necessarily have to say that to their face. Tell them you’re unavailable. No need to add reasons if the reasons will just cause drama.

Tone

Speaking with confidence and a sense certainty tells the other person that you are firm in your decision.

How do you convey a confident tone? Put a period at the end of your sentences.

If you’ve gotten all worked up and can’t remember what it feels like to speak confidently (don’t worry, I’ve been there), here’s a trick you can do. Go into a room by yourself, look in the mirror, and say the following out loud: “two plus two is four.”

Hear that conviction? That’s what it sounds like to be absolutely certain of something. Now, using the same tone, practice your “no” response.

5. End on a positive

End your “no” statement on a positive note, especially if this is a relationship that’s important to you. Remind them that even though you had to decline or enforce a boundary, that they matter to you and are appreciated.

This might be:

  • “…but thank you so much for thinking of me”  
  • “I really appreciate the invitation”
  • “Thank you for reaching out and including me”
  • “I hope we can work together soon”

If you have an alternative you’d like to propose, this would be a great time. Otherwise, if it was a hard pass, you can just leave it on a friendly note.


Now, I want to know from you:

What situations do you have a hard time saying no to? Leave a comment below and I’ll reply with my thoughts.

7 Ways to Stop Feeling Overwhelmed and Manage Stress (Right Now)

Are you drowning in your to-do list? Do you feel like you’re always behind, no matter how hard you work? Are you constantly wishing your had more time in the day?

You don’t have to muscle your way through stress. In fact, gritting your teeth and bearing it is a really great way to burn yourself out. If you want to maintain a steady flow of energy, focus, and creativity despite external pressures, you have to learn to manage stress.

In this article, we’ll cover seven ways to stop being overwhelmed and manage stress right now. Of course, you can mix and match your favorites, but I suggest starting with just one or two of these strategies, then coming back to this article once you’ve mastered them and trying another one. It would be counterproductive (and frankly, a bit too ironic) to become overwhelmed by a list of ideas on how to stop feeling overwhelmed.

If you’re on the go, I made a video covering this topic. Check it out!


Stress Management vs. Time Management

Before we get into it, I want to clarify that it’s not enough to just manage your time well. Stress management and time management are two sides of the same coin, but they are different.

Time management is about prioritizing tasks, optimizing your day, and working efficiently so that you can own your to-do list. Stress management is about managing your emotions, maintaining your energy, and preventing burnout, so that you can keep your to-do list from owning you.

Look, no matter how well you time-manage or how hard your work, there will always be something left on your to-do list.

It’s not enough to just figure out how to maximize your time, because the truth is, there’s no way to squeeze everything into one day. There will always be more things you wish you could’ve done, no matter how much you hustle.

If you want to get the most out of time management — as in, if you want to keep a steady flow of energy and focus and prevent burnout — it’s important to learn to manage not just your time, but also your emotions. Plus, the better you can manage your mental health now, the more you can enjoy what’s in front of you, rather than having to wait for a day where the to-do list will hit zero (a day, as we know, that will never come).

We manage stress by (1) accepting that there will always be something left to do on our list, and (2) learning to be okay with it. This means figuring out how to be present in the moment despite external pressures. Below, I’ll share the ways I’ve found to be most effective in stopping feelings of overwhelm and managing stress.

Ready to stop feeling so overwhelmed? Read on.

(Side note: If stress, overwhelm, or anxiety are a chronic issue, it might be worth trying therapy to get to the root of the problem, in addition to these tips.)


How to stop feeling overwhelmed and manage stress right now

Here are 7 things you can do to manage stress and stop feeling overwhelmed right now. A reminder: You don’t have to do all of these at once. Pick one or two items from this list to focus on in the future. Come back to this article once you’ve mastered those and try one or two more.

1. Stop the scroll

When we’re overwhelmed, we often reach for our phones as soon as we have a break.

We open email, check Facebook, scroll on Twitter, peek at Instagram, catch up on Reddit, kill some time on TikTok, then start again from the beginning. Our phones — and in particular social media — flood our brains with dopamine. Those hits of dopamine feel especially good when everything else feels like it’s out of control.

It might feel like scrolling on your phone is taking a break because it’s a distraction, but you’re not truly letting your mind rest. Instead of allowing yourself to take a mental break and truly relax, you continue to be in a reactive state of mind, relying on external influences to set the pace of your mind. Scrolling isn’t going to put you more at ease when you have to come back to your work.  

What you need to feel grounded and manage overwhelm isn’t more stimulus – it’s less. Next time you find yourself reaching for your phone between meetings, spend a few minutes doing nothing. Feel what it’s like for your mind to not have anything to do for a few moments. It’s a little awkward at first, it forces you to get a little perspective and slow down.

What can you do instead of reaching for your phone when you want to relax?

2. Take a 10 minute break to slow down

In order to regain control of your mind and emotions, you have to intentionally set your own pace, rather than just reacting to everything that’s happening around you. Proactively create a more relaxed state of mind by slowing down.

Take a 10 minute break in your day. This can be after a long stint of work in the afternoon when you find yourself reaching for your phone, or between meetings. Schedule it if you need to.

“But Tali, where am I going to get 10 extra minutes? I already have too much to do as is without a 10 minute break!”

Look, I get it – I know what if feels like to be drowning at work. Taking a break feels selfish and irresponsible. But if you want to think clearly and have more control over your emotional state, you need to prioritize your well-being and make time to get grounded.   

Step away from your computer, your work, your phone, your obligations. Create a little distance between yourself and all the stimulus that’s adding to stress.

Slow down your breathing. Take fuller breaths to bring down your heart rate. Pay attention to how it feels to slow down and regain control of your breathing and pace. Bring that sense of calm and peace with you as you go about your day.

Some ideas on how to slow down:

  • Take a short walk around your block.
  • Go sit in another part of your building and just look out of the window.
  • Walk as slowly as you can around your floor. 
  • Do some light stretching in another room.
  • Do a free guided meditation.
  • Follow along with a 10-minute office stretching or yoga video.

3. Make a brain dump of all your worries

Ah yes, my personal favorite way to lower stress – the good ol’ brain dump.

When we feel overwhelmed, it’s often because there are too many things floating around in our mind, and we feel like we can’t get a firm grasp on them.

Instead of trying to manage all your thoughts and tasks in your head, get them all out on paper, where you can see them. Make a list of everything you’re worried about, all the things you need to do, everything you’re trying to keep track of mentally.

Just the act of writing down the things that are stressing you out makes them more approachable. By labeling our worries, we take them from being abstract and turn them into more concrete things that we can manage.

When you make a list of your worries and tasks, you keep those things from just swirling around in your mind and stressing you out. Once you finish writing your list, you realize that it’s more manageable than you thought; the tasks, projects, and worries that felt so overwhelming actually fit on an 8.5×11” sheet of paper.

An added bonus: When you see your tasks and worries on paper, you can compare them and decide which ones are important (and which can go on the back burner).

4. Figure out your top 1-3 priorities for the day

Psst. This strategy pairs really nicely with a brain dump.

When you’re overwhelmed, you feel like you have to tackle everything all at once. It becomes difficult to think clearly because every task is vying for your attention. Everything feels urgent.

But in reality, some things are more important than others. Sure, in an ideal world, everything would be considered equally important. But we don’t live in an ideal world. We are constrained by time, and so we have to prioritize our activities relative to each other.

If it feels like you’re drowning in your to-do list or spreading yourself too thin, figure out the 1, 2, or 3 most important things you need to work on today. Focus on chipping away at those items.

Take everything else off your plate if you can – order takeout instead of cooking dinner, ask for an extended deadline on admin work, let people know you’ll get back to their request once you complete this pressing item.

If you can’t drop other responsibilities, ask for help. Depending on the situation, this can be from your manager, team, partner, family, or friends.

You don’t have to be a superhero and do everything yourself. It’s OK to deprioritize some things and ask for help. When you know the most important things to focus on, you can be more confident in delegating and pushing out the rest.

5. Keep a “done” list

This is an idea I’ve adopted from Brendon Burchard, who studies and shares habits of high performers.

If you feel like you’re always playing catchup with your to-do list but never quite making a dent, start tracking the things you get done throughout the week with a “done” list. Every time you complete a task (no matter if it’s big or small, planned or unexpected), write it down in this list.

This might feel redundant if you’re already keeping a to-do list. After all, isn’t this the same as crossing off a completed task, or checking off a box from your existing list?

Yes and no. A to-do list is a great way to keep track of what you have to do, but it visually keeps your focus on everything that’s still remaining. When you look at a to-do list, you’re not looking at all the things you’ve crossed off, you’re looking at what’s still left over (and subsequently feeling like you’re no closer than when you started).

A “done” list is different because reminds you of everything you have completed, rather than focusing on what’s remaining. It’s a reminder of how far you’ve come, even when you still have a ways to go.

I started keeping a list like this a few months ago, in addition to crossing things off of my to-do list. It takes an extra minute or two each day, but it ends up serving as a really good reminder that I am making progress every day, even if sometimes it feels like my list of tasks is never ending. Being able to see what I’ve already done helps me keep overwhelm at bay, which in turn keeps me confident and motivated to tackle the next item.

6. Adjust your expectations

If you find yourself constantly working but never quite making a dent in your daily to-do list, you may have unrealistic expectations about what you can accomplish in a single day.

We aren’t robots – no matter how much we time manage and optimize our workflows, there will always be a limit on how much we can accomplish in a day. We are limited in how much time we have, and in how much energy we can expend. And unlike robots, we need time to rest. Yes, we need time to sleep and eat, but we also need to socialize, process the events of the day, and recharge by taking our mind off things.

When you put too much on your plate, you not only feel overwhelmed because you can’t accomplish everything, but you also burn yourself out by not giving your mind time to rest and recharge. You come back the next day feeling tired and demoralized, with even less focu and energy.

If you’re trying to do 5 things in the evening after work, reduce it down to 1 or 2 things instead. Chip away at your list consistently throughout the week, rather than trying to cram as much as possible into a day.

This might feel like you’re slowing down or getting less done, but in reality, you’re keeping yourself from burning out. Life is a marathon, not a sprint. You’re better off keeping consistent at a slower pace than sprinting through a bunch of tasks but then losing time when you end up overwhelmed or burned out.

Take the pressure off of yourself to accomplish everything right away. Adjust your expectations so that you have an easier time meeting them consistently, and so you aren’t setting yourself up for failure.

7. When all else fails, do one (small) thing

Sometimes we end up with so much on our plates that we feel paralyzed and avoid our responsibilities altogether. We get sucked into our phones and seek out comforts like TV to distract ourselves.

When your responsibilities feel like too much to handle all at once, do just one small thing. Find the smallest, simplest task on your list and just do that today. That’s it. Don’t try to do a bunch at once. Once you do that small task, you can rest, eat, socialize, watch TV, play video games, or continue whatever you were doing in peace.

When there’s so much to do that you don’t even know where to start, it helps to start with something small. Give yourself a small win to feel confident about. Once you take that first step, even if it feels small, it’s easier to start gaining momentum the next day. 

You don’t have to do everything at once. In fact, you shouldn’t try to do everything at once, because it’ll just lead to feeling too overwhelmed to do anything at all. Learn to be ok with doing a little at a time. Start with one small thing to show yourself you can do it.


Take the pressure off of yourself

At the end of the day, it’s up to you to decide how much pressure to put on yourself. You might not always be able to control how much there is to do, but you can control how you approach it, and how kind you are to yourself in the process.

Managing stress is better for your productivity in the long run because it keeps you energized and prevents burnout. More importantly, it allows you to enjoy your time and find more peace in your day-to-day life. When you learn to stop being overwhelmed and manage stress, you lessen the power external forces have to affect your outlook and well-being. You take ownership of your mental state and become unshakeable.

I want to hear from you. Which one or two strategies are you going to focus on first to stop feeling overwhelmed? Are you going to start with a brain dump, or with a 10-minute walk around your block?

Let me know by leaving a comment below.

Now, take that strategy out into the world and start taking back control over your mind.

You’ve got this.

How to be More Decisive: 5 Ways to Prevent Analysis Paralysis

Have you ever found yourself putting too much time or energy into a decision?

If you struggle with being decisive, you’ve likely experienced how crippling analysis paralysis can be. You might’ve looked at others and wondered why it’s so easy for them to make decisions while you seem to get stuck on each one.

Our lives are filled with countless decisions. People have more choice than ever before on how to make a living, who to marry, and how to spend their time. The internet gives us access to every product and service we could ever imagine. We should be grateful for this abundance of choice, but more often than not, it leaves us paralyzed. We get overwhelmed by all the possible options out there, spend too much time making decisions, and constantly second-guess ourselves.

If you’re like me, you’ve spent too much time stuck in analysis paralysis and want to be more decisive. In this article, we’ll cover why you often struggle with decisions and five ways you can start being more decisive in life today.

Decisiveness was something I’ve struggled with in the past. Every choice would be such an ordeal, and always leave me exhausted. I decided to tackle this area of my life because I wanted decision-making to to take up less of my time and energy. Along the way, I picked up a few mindset shifts that helped me make decisions faster, more confidently, and with a lot less stress. 

What I learned in the process is that being more decisive isn’t about making better decisions. Being decisive is about figuring out what’s actually important, letting go of perfectionism, and choosing not to get consumed by possibilities. It’s about limiting the time and energy we give to making decisions, and not giving them the power to dictate our happiness.

Ready to nip indecisiveness in the bud? Let’s get after it.

Want the video version of this article? Check it out!


Why you feel so indecisive

Perfectionism

The reason you find yourself overthinking decisions is that you believe on some level that there’s a perfect choice to be made.

Let’s say you’re looking to buy a pair of hiking boots. Before the internet, you were stuck with whatever options were available at your local store. You could spend the afternoon trying on every single pair of shoes in your sporting goods store, but eventually you’d run out of shoes to try on. At that point, you’d be forced to make a choice.

But now, there’s an entire world of possibilities online. Sure, you could just buy the first pair you try on at REI that feels comfortable, but you don’t want to settle without exploring all your options because you need to know you’ve picked the perfect shoe. Because so many possible options exist, we think one of them must be the best. We won’t rest until we’ve compared every option and assured ourselves that we’re not missing out on an even better one.

In The Padradox of Choice, Barry Schwartz argues that the modern world’s abundance of options actually has a negative psychological impact on people. He summarizes the trap of perfectionism well: “Perfection is the only weapon against regret… and endless, exhaustive, paralyzing consideration of the alternatives is the only way to achieve perfection.”

The amount of options available to us in the modern world is astounding. But for many of us, the cost of all these options is an endless, misguided pursuit of the perfect one.

Believing all decisions matter equally

Throughout most of human existence, we’ve only had to make so many decisions in our lifetime, let alone every day. We now have significantly more freedom to decide how to live our lives, but we also have exponentially more decisions to make – frankly, more than our human brains can keep up with.

With so many decisions constantly thrown at us, we lose the ability to distinguish between those that are truly important and those that aren’t. We become overwhelmed when we start to believe all of the choices we make matter equally. We end up giving too many decisions the power to affect our happiness and sense of satisfaction.

When we can’t differentiate between the choices that matter to us a little and those that matter a lot, we end up giving a lot of decisions more time and attention than they warrant.

Maximizers vs. Satisficers

In his book, Schwartz identifies two different types of decision makers: maximizers and satisficers.

Maximizers are out to get the absolute best of anything, be it an electric toothbrush, a job, or a partner. They search and compare until they’ve exhausted all possibilities. They won’t settle for something that’s “good enough” if they know there are potentially even better options out there. They have a harder time choosing, spend more time and energy on decisions, but are also more likely to regret their decisions… Sound familiar?

On the other hand, satisficers are out to find something that is good enough. Once they find an option that’s good enough, they select it, and then move on without worrying that there may be an even better option out there. They’re clearer about the criteria that are important to them, as opposed to maximizers, who seek to maximize on all the criteria. Satisficers realize they don’t need to evaluate every possible option to be happy with their choice. They find something that checks their boxes, select it, and then move the fuck on.

Indecisiveness often comes from trying to find the absolute best possible option in every scenario. It stems from the belief that we’ll only be happy if we make the perfect choice. Our happiness becomes dependent on our choices.

With that much pressure on our decisions, of course we’re going to feel paralyzed. So how do we take back control and overcome indecisiveness? Read on, my friend.


How to be more decisive: 5 strategies

1. Figure out what’s important to you

in If you’re going to become more decisive, you need to figure out what’s actually important to you. This applies to both to your overall values and in specific decisions.

Figure out what types of decisions you value

What do you value? What do you enjoy spending your time on? What decisions are energizing or exciting to you?

Conversely, what areas of your life are you spending too much time and energy on? What kinds of decisions leave you feeling exhausted? Identify the areas in your life that aren’t as important to you. Reduce the amount of time you spend making decisions in those areas.

When I set out to become more decisive, I realized that decisions around food zap my energy and leave me frustrated. I’ve always struggled with picking a place to eat. I wouldn’t call myself a foodie, but I start acting like one every time I have to choose a restaurant to go to. I exhaust myself comparing restaurants, scouring the internet for photos, menus, and reviews. Suddenly, finding a place to eat becomes vital to my ability to enjoy the evening.

Unlike a foodie, I don’t enjoy studying up on every dining establishment in the area. It’s exhausting to me, and doesn’t actually contribute to my dining experience. Sure, I want to eat good food in a nice atmosphere, but the world isn’t going to end if there’s a restaurant down the street with slightly better food or a slightly cooler atmosphere.

There’s no reason this should be such a stressful, time-consuming decision for me because dining out is not that high on my list of values. Knowing this, I need to limit the amount of time and energy I invest in food-related decisions, especially compared to my foodie friends.

If you’re a foodie, then exploring new cuisines is something you value. You probably truly enjoy researching different restaurants and foods because they pique your curiosity. Decisions about where and what to eat are exciting and full of opportunity.

If you’re not a foodie, then those same decisions will be much more tiring for you. It’s not that you’re boring or have bad taste in food, you simply don’t value cuisine enough to be excited by all the available options. If that’s the case, you need to be conscious of how much time and energy you spend on decisions around food because those decisions aren’t something that bring you great value.

Figure out what types of decisions are exciting to you, and which ones are draining. Limit your time on the latter (more on this later).

Figure out the criteria you value most for specific decisions

With so many different options out there, it’s tempting to want a little bit of everything. But when we entertain all our options with no filter of what’s actually important to us, it becomes difficult to stick with one choice because everything else is equally enticing.

Next time you feel overwhelmed by a decision, take a step back. Ask yourself what the three most important criteria are for you, and what’s “nice to have but not essential.”

First, narrow down your options to those that fit all three of your top requirements. Once you have a list of choices that fit your top criteria, then you can consider other nice-to-have elements. Just don’t spend too much time nitpicking at nonessential features once you find something that’s “good enough” (i.e. satisfies the most important criteria). 

For example, if you’re trying to pick a college, your top three requirements might be an excellent business program, affordability, and a large student population. Your longer list of nice-to-have’s might include good weather and an intramural ultimate frisbee team.

If one of your schools covers all three of your requirements AND has a few of your “nice to haves,” great! Add it to your short list. But don’t consider a school just because it’s on the beach (nice to have) if it doesn’t have a large student population (requirement).   

“And if everyone is super, no one is.” This line from The Incredibles blew my thirteen-year-old mind. Figure out what actually matters to you.

2. Learn to trust your gut

Start listening more to your intuition.

If you keep gravitating towards one option but worry about missing out on the others, go with the first one. Doing more analysis and comparison might might convince your brain to make a different choice, but you won’t be able to convince your gut through logic.

The thing is, you’re going to miss out on some options no matter what decision you make. So you might as well go with the one that’s calling to you.

If you’re really having a hard time, flip a coin. Whatever emotion you’re feeling after the coin is flipped will give you insight as to what you prefer more.

Heads, you order the crab cakes. Tails, you order the burger.

  • If it’s heads and you feel relief, there’s your answer! Order those crab cakes.
  • If it’s tails and your heart sinks a little, you were probably wanting those crab cakes more than the burger.
  • If you feel indifferent either way it flips, you probably have no preference between the two, so just pick whatever the coin flipped. No point in splitting hairs.
Don’t flip coin isn’t to relinquish all your decision-making responsibilities (cough HARVEY), but to uncover your preferences.

3. Time-box your decisions

There comes a point in the decision-making process at which any extra research, comparison, or deliberation has diminishing returns. That’s when problem solving slips into ruminating.

There’s a project management concept called Parkinson’s Law that states that “work expands to fill the time allotted.” If you give someone one day to complete a task, they will complete the task in one day. If you give that same person three days, they will take all three days to complete the task, even though we just saw that they could’ve completed the task on the first day and taken a long two-day nap for the remaining time.

Why? The amount of time it takes to complete the bulk of the work stays the same. But the more extra time you give someone to complete a task, the more they are likely to waste time either procrastinating or perfecting the already completed task.

Think about the last time you got stuck overthinking. Did you have a deadline to make the decision? Did you have a time-cap on how long you can consider your options before having to make a final choice?

Without a time constraint, a maximizer or perfectionist continues the decision-making process until they burn themselves out. This not only sucks up all your time and energy (which you could’ve been using on something you value more), but it actually makes you less satisfied with the choice you make in the end. Because you’ve invested so much extra effort into making the choice, you’re going to be hyper-sensitive to any potential downfalls of it in the future. After all that time overthinking, you end up second-guessing yourself anyway because you’re too emotionally invested in the outcome. That’s a poor use of time, if you ask me.

Don’t waste your time and energy ruminating. Time-box your decisions. Give yourself a deadline or an allotted amount of time. You have more important things to do with your time than overthink.

Let’s say it’s date night, and you want to find a new spot to eat. Instead of stressing yourself out by spending the afternoon comparing a million different restaurants, give yourself 30 minutes to browse. Set a timer. When that timer goes off, pick up the phone and call the restaurant that piqued your interest the most. Go with your gut! Flip that coin! It doesn’t matter what you pick! Take action before you have a chance to start overthinking.

Give yourself an allotted amount of time to research. When the time’s up, make your choice.

4. Realize your choices won’t bring you happiness

Look, you can go wasting all of your time trying to make the most perfect decisions in the world. But that’s not going to bring you happiness.

You don’t find happiness or inner peace because you’ve made the perfect decision about what phone to buy, or what college to go to, or what bolognese recipe to try. You don’t suddenly start feeling successful just because you think you’ve chosen the perfect partner, the perfect career, or the perfect investment strategy. No matter how excited we are initially about a choice we make, we eventually get used to it and learn that it too comes with its own downsides.

If every choice you make comes with the pressure of having to be better than all the possible alternatives out there, you’re going to spend your life looking over your shoulder to see if anyone’s made a better choice than you. That’s no way to live.

Satisfaction comes not from knowing we have the absolute best of something – that’s a recipe for always chasing the next best thing – but from committing to the decisions we make and choosing to make the most of them for the sake of our own sanity. 

The truth is, no single decision will make or break your happiness. Sure, some decisions have a bigger impact on your life than others (deciding what career to pursue has more significant consequences than deciding what ski goggles to buy). But ultimately, you cannot depend on external factors alone to bring you peace.

5. Don’t second-guess yourself

Being decisive isn’t just about making decisions, it’s also about owning them.

If you constantly second-guess the choices you’ve made, you put too much pressure on your future decision-making. Every time you think about “what ifs” or compare your decisions to someone else’s, you’re reaffirming that a less-than-perfect decision causes regret and dissatisfaction. This in turn raises the stakes of decisions you have to make in the future. It becomes a vicious cycle.

Your attitude after making a decision is just as important as your attitude leading up to it. If you want to be more decisive, you have to teach yourself to be okay no matter what choice you make.

Stop the cycle by sticking to your guns. Once you’ve made a choice, don’t second-guess yourself. Don’t compare your choice to someone else’s. If you catch yourself getting caught up in “what ifs,” remember that your choices don’t make you happy – it’s your choice to feel satisfied with your life as it is and not worry about all the other possibilities that truly brings you peace.


Make a choice to take back control

We live in a time where there are more choices than we could ever imagine. This should be a liberating idea, but the truth is, sometimes all the possibilities paralyze, rather than free us. We spend more time ruminating and overthinking. The pressure we often put on ourselves when it comes to decision-making leads to overwhelm, anxiety, and depression.

If there’s one thing I want you to walk away with from this article, it’s this: take some weight off yourself. Being decisive isn’t about making perfect choices. It’s about freeing yourself from the burden of endless decision-making so you can spend more time on what matters to you.

You can’t control how many options and decision are thrown at you in life, unless you go join an Amish community. But you can control how much attention you give to them.

Now I want to hear from you, what resonated with you the most in this article? Which of these strategies can you start doing today to become more decisive?

Let me know in the comments below.

5 Reasons Why Therapy Didn’t Work for You (and how to fix them)

Have you been disappointed with therapy in the past? Maybe you tried it once, but it didn’t feel like it was right for you. Or you went to a few therapy sessions but stopped scheduling follow-ups because you weren’t feeling any better.

But life gets hard again. The idea of seeing a therapist keeps popping up in your mind. You experience anxiety, stress, or depression (or maybe you just feel stuck), but you’re wary of going through going through the same disappointment again. So you grit your teeth and keep chugging along, hoping your issues will sort themselves out on their own.

If you feel like therapy didn’t help in the past, you’re not alone. Since I was a teenager, I’ve tried therapy five separate times. Some of those sessions were helpful, but for the most part, it was nothing to write home about. It took me several attempts over the course of a decade before I finally figured out how to make therapy work for me.

This article covers five reasons why therapy may not have worked for you in the past, and how to approach it instead to see better results. I’m sharing these common mistakes (and how to overcome them) because I want to encourage you to try therapy again if you’ve been thinking about it. My hope is that these tips will help you get more out of therapy, sooner.

Let’s dive in.

Disclaimer: I’m not a doctor or therapist. I’m just someone who went through a bit of trial and error before seeing significant results with therapy. The information on this site does not substitute for professional medical advice. Consult a medical professional if seeking medical advice, diagnoses, or treatment.

Table of Contents

If you prefer to learn by listening, check out the video version of this article!


My trial-and-error experience with therapy

My first few times in a therapist’s office was as a teenager, when my parents were getting divorced.

After college, I wanted some support after leaving a long-term relationship, so I took advantage of my company’s Employee Assistance Program to get five free sessions with a new therapist. I liked this second therapist, but she eventually stopped being in my insurance network.

I still had some issues I wanted to work through, so I found a third therapist. I met with her every few months for a total of ten times, but I never felt like she “got” me. Something about her made me feel this weird need to impress her and prove I was a “good” client. So I looked for a new therapist.

The fourth therapist I tried was, frankly, the most awkward human being I’ve ever had an interaction with. She was clearly new in the industry and had this awful eyeliner that made me feel like I was talking to a preteen. Now look, I’m about the farthest thing from a makeup snob you can get, but this was just the icing on the cake of the awkward impression she made on me. She was not someone I felt comfortable sharing my deepest fears and anxieties with. Needless to say, I didn’t return after our first session.

Finally, on my fifth attempt, I found a therapist I liked. She was a virtual therapist, so all of our meetings were over video call. But even though we’d never been in a room together, I felt a lot more comfortable with her. She felt like someone I could trust and talk with naturally. With this therapist, I felt like I was actually learning how to better deal with my problems outside of our sessions, not just dealing with my issues on a case-by-case basis.

It took me a few different tries to figure out how to make therapy work for me – to both find a therapist I liked and fix the mistakes I’d been making in how I approached it. If you’re considering trying therapy again, I want you to get to that point faster than I did. Read on and explore the possible reasons why it didn’t work, then give it another shot. You got this.

Here are five possible reasons why therapy didn’t work for you in the past, and why you should try it again.

Therapy leaving you feeling frustrated? Read on, my friend.

Why therapy didn’t work in the past (and how to approach it instead)

1. Your therapist wasn’t the right fit for you

If you felt like therapy wasn’t helpful in the past, odds are, you probably didn’t really like your therapist.

I’m not saying you disliked them, but maybe you didn’t feel much of a connection, either. It’s not enough to simply not dislike someone when you’re doing this kind of work. Your therapist shouldn’t feel like your best friend, but they do have to feel like someone you’d naturally have a conversation with.

One of the misconceptions people have about therapy is that all therapists are the same. Once you’ve met one, you’ve met them all. This couldn’t be further from the truth.

I don’t have to tell you that you won’t always get along with everyone you meet. We naturally have more chemistry with some people than others. Some people rub us the wrong way; conversation with them feels awkward or forced, or maybe we just don’t vibe with them for whatever reason.

This is the same with therapists. Yes, all therapists must go through training and get certification. But that doesn’t mean they all walk and talk the same.

Even in a professional setting, we get a sense of a therapist’s personality. One therapist might be quiet and reserved, the other loud and boisterous. Their posture might be formal, or relaxed. They might smile a lot, or be difficult to read. Therapists are still people, at the end of the day. You’re going to gravitate towards some more than others.

We decide whether to like and trust our therapist not because of their diploma, credentials, or professional experience, but because of the impression they make on us as individuals. And if we dislike this person (or something just feels off), all the professional credentials in the world won’t convince us to trust them with our deepest thoughts and feelings.

How to approach therapy instead: Shop around!

Instead of going with the first therapist you meet, shop around for someone you naturally gravitate towards.

Think of finding a therapist as dating – you wouldn’t just blindly marry the first available person you find. Trust your first impression. If a therapist doesn’t click with you, don’t force the relationship, try someone else instead.

Like dating, therapy might be a little awkward at first; it’s not always natural to talk about our feelings! But past that initial discomfort, you should feel a sense of trust and connection with this person on an individual level. If you don’t, you’ll find yourself talking about surface level issues and not trusting what they have to offer, no matter how qualified they are.

It’s going to be really hard to make any headway if you don’t naturally get along with your therapist.

2. You didn’t give your therapist feedback

If you didn’t agree with something your therapist said in the past, did you tell them? If their approach wasn’t working for you, or if they steered you towards a subject that wasn’t relevant, did you let them know? Or did you just nod along with everything they said, regardless of whether you it was helpful?

If you didn’t give feedback to your therapist, it would’ve been difficult to get much out of your sessions. For therapy to work, you need to be honest – not just about your emotions, but also about what’s working about therapy and what isn’t.

It took me a while to realize I had to proactively give my therapist feedback. For a while, if my therapist said something that didn’t really land with me, I’d brush it off. If we started a session talking about relationships but I was dying to talk about work, I’d just roll with it. If they offered analysis or a suggestion that didn’t feel right, I’d force myself to take it as truth or swallow my objections. I’d nod along to everything the therapist said, regardless of whether it was helpful, because I didn’t want to embarrass or disrespect them.

Here’s some tough love I had to give myself that I’ll pass onto you: If you feel like you have to agree with everything your therapist says, you’re not working on your issues or getting your needs met, you’re just people pleasing.

My therapy sessions became significantly more helpful once I started telling my therapist when something wasn’t working. Not only did I gain confidence by vocalizing my concerns, but I also started trusting my therapist more because she was eager to hear my feedback and adjust her approach accordingly.

How to approach therapy instead: Give feedback

Therapists are trained professionals. They customize their approach based on the needs of each client. But they’re not always perfect, and they can’t read your mind if something doesn’t feel right. They have no way of knowing if there’s something you disagree with, or if you want to discuss a different topic than what they’ve suggested, if you’re just nodding along.

If something isn’t working for you, give your therapist that feedback! A good therapist will be open to feedback and flexible in trying a few different approaches. Don’t worry about hurting their feelings or making things uncomfortable by telling them something isn’t working. And certainly don’t bottle it in and then give up on therapy altogether.

Don’t be afraid to let your therapist know what is and isn’t working.

3. You didn’t trust your therapist

I alluded to this previously, but a big reason why therapy didn’t work for you in the past could be that you didn’t trust your therapist.

If you thought your therapist was judging you, you probably held back emotions that might’ve made them think poorly of you.

If you thought your therapist didn’t actually care about your success (or that they’re just in it for the money), you probably didn’t let yourself open up about deeper issues.

If you thought your therapist was trying to lead you to certain conclusions, you probably filtered the thoughts you shared.

How to approach therapy instead: Trust your therapist!

Now, don’t force yourself to open up to anyone and everyone. You should be hesitant to trust people when it comes to sharing your deepest thoughts and emotions. That gut instinct to protect yourself from people you don’t trust is valid. If you didn’t trust your therapist because you didn’t like them, or they rubbed you the wrong way, or they weren’t receptive to your feedback, by all means, find another therapist.

But once you find a therapist you get along with naturally and are comfortable feedback to, you need to trust that they have your best interests in mind. That means getting out of your own way and not making up stories about why you shouldn’t work on your issues.

If you want to get lasting results from therapy, you need to be able to trust that your therapist isn’t judging you, that they’re invested in your well-being, and that they don’t think they’re better than you. Otherwise you won’t be able to be fully honest or truly make lasting changes in the quality of your life.

4. You weren’t comfortable being uncomfortable

Real talk: Your therapist isn’t going to figure out your problems and fix them for you. You gotta do the work.

Society often touts therapy as a one-stop-shop solution to life’s problems. TV and movies often portray therapists as mentalists and mind-readers.

Our main character walks into the office. The therapist takes a good hard look at them and seems to instantly understand what’s going on. Within minutes, the therapist is revealing things about our character’s past that haunt them, exposing their deepest fears, and telling them their hopes and dreams.

We absorb that messaging and start to think therapy really works that way. Feeling depressed? Go see a therapist! They’ll figure out what’s wrong with you, make you feel better, and you’ll be on your way home feeling good as new.

Obviously that’s a an exaggeration, but the underlying belief is there: therapy is where you go to have your problems fixed, and your therapist is the keeper of the answers to life’s questions. So of course if your issues are still there when you leave, it’s going to feel like therapy didn’t work.

You can bring a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink.
Except the water is introspection. And you’re the horse.

How to approach therapy instead: Own the work

Unlike going to the doctor, where your provider does most of the work to diagnose and treat an issue, the majority of the work done in therapy has to be done by you, the patient

Your therapist facilitates and guides your introspection. Their role isn’t to figure out what’s wrong with you or fix your problems. They might ask questions to explore different perspectives, share patterns they observe, or offer suggestions.

But ultimately, it’s up to you to do the hard parts. You have to be honest about your thoughts and feelings. You have to challenge yourself and your old ways of thinking. You have to be open to change and invested in a better future.

Most of us would rather bury our issues and get on with our day rather than face them. Being vulnerable, admitting our flaws, and facing our demons is hard work.

To get results from therapy, you need to get comfortable being uncomfortable. Challenge yourself to want more. Push yourself to keep looking under the hood. Decide to be an active participant in your therapy sessions, and be proud every time you choose honesty over comfort.

5. You expected too much too soon

If you tried therapy before, you may have been disappointment by the lack of “progress” after one or two sessions.

This might sound familiar… After months of toying with the idea, you decide to bite the bullet. You find a therapist and schedule a consultation. You finally get to that first therapy session, only to walk out feeling like you barely touched the tip of the iceberg. You come back a second time, but still haven’t made any headway on your problems. You don’t see any results after a few sessions, so you decide therapy isn’t for you.

How to approach therapy instead: Adjust your expectations

Look, you need to go to therapy at least a handful of times for it to start working. It takes time to get comfortable with your therapist and for them to get to know you. It might take a few sessions just to uncover the heart of the matter, let alone come up with solutions.

More importantly, it takes time to change behaviors and thought patters. Even once you have total clarity about why you feel a certain way and what to do about it, it takes a lot of repetition to train yourself to start behaving or thinking differently.  

It’s similar to physical therapy: You wouldn’t walk into your PT’s office with a knee injury one day and expect to leave with it completely healed the next, right? Depending on how severe the injury is, you’ll probably need to come in regularly for a few months (and do daily exercises on your own time) before you start seeing progress.

It’s the same with therapy. You’re not going to walk out of your first therapy session feeling like a brand-new person. It’ll take a few sessions to get in a good rhythm with your therapist and get to the core of the issue before you can start incorporating changes and seeing significant differences in your life.


Don’t give up.

If you’re considering trying therapy again after having a negative experience with it, take a moment and just be proud of yourself. You already understand that your well-being is worth the effort of trying again. Don’t give up just because you haven’t found your stride yet.

The truth is, you will benefit more from therapy now than in the past simply because you’ve grown since you last tried.

Think about it, aren’t you a different person than when you first tried therapy? Haven’t you learned some things about yourself? Chances are, you can articulate your thoughts better now. You’re probably more aware of your feelings. You should try therapy again for no other reason than you’ve changed and learned as a result of the experiences you’ve had since the first time.

Go find a therapist you click with naturally. Give them feedback on what’s working and what isn’t. Trust that they’re there for you. Take charge of doing the work. Be patient with the process, and celebrate the small wins along the way.

At the end of the day, therapy is about you. You deserve to live more fully, to grow, and to have more peace in your life. Don’t give up on yourself.

Now I want to hear from you:

Which of these reasons resonated the most with you?

Or maybe you have a reason I didn’t cover.

Either way, let me know by leaving a comment below.

If you like this article and want more personal development content, subscribe to my YouTube channel, or follow me on Instagram and Facebook.

8 Networking Mistakes that are Keeping You Stuck

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Do you feel frustrated when you try to network? Maybe you put in all this effort to reach out to people, but no one responds. Or maybe you’ve met a few folks, but feel like you haven’t gotten any closer to finding a new job.

I’ve been there. A few years ago, I got laid off from my corporate job and decided to pursue my dream of working in the film industry. For a few months, it felt like I wasn’t getting anywhere. People wouldn’t reply to my emails, and the conversations I did have often left me at a dead end. Eventually, I realized the mistakes I was making and changed my approach to networking. I started getting more replies, better connections, and ultimately more meaningful work.

Networking can be tricky, and it doesn’t always come naturally. But it’s a necessary part of both starting your career and getting fulfilling work down the line; the more quality connections in your network, the more opportunities you have for growth throughout your career. Knowing how to network effectively allows you to not only progress your career, but also create meaningful relationships in your community.

In this guide, we’ll cover eight common networking mistakes people make when they’re trying to find a job or enter a new industry, and how to overcome them. If you hate networking, or feel like it just isn’t your thing, these are things you can do today to start getting better results.

Psst…I recently made a video that covers 6 of these networking mistakes… check it out!


Networking was essential to my success in a new industry

A few years ago, I got laid off from my project management job and decided to pursue my longtime dream of working in the film industry.

Networking is critical for working in the film industry because most crew members are freelancers. They get hired by different productions throughout the year and rely heavily on referrals from their network to get gigs.

But at the time, I knew nothing about the industry and didn’t really have connections in it. I had to start from scratch looking for work. So I emailed anyone I could find that worked in the film industry, seeing if they’d be open to telling me about their work.

For a while, most of my messages didn’t get replies. The people I did meet with were eager to talk with me, but I wasn’t getting much clarity on how to actually start getting hired.

Eventually, I got more specific about what I was trying to accomplish and tweaked my approach to networking. I stopped emailing just anybody who worked in the film industry and started focusing only on people who worked in the camera department. Instead of sending cold messages on LinkedIn, I started figuring out what platforms people are most likely to reply on.

Once I adjusted my approach to networking, I got more responses, made better connections, and got clarity about what I needed to do to get hired. I asked more specific questions, and got more specific answers. I started shadowing and getting some work in the camera department. I got my foot in the door; all that networking finally was finally paying off!

A year after I decided to go into the film industry, an overwhelming majority of my gigs were coming from – you guessed it – my network. Not only did I get regular camera department work, I actually had to turn down jobs because I was so busy.

Sure, there were other factors involved in my success – this was a busy production season, and I worked hard to earn my keep – but I wouldn’t have gotten past entry-level roles and climbed the ranks so quickly if it wasn’t for my network. Work ethic alone wouldn’t have gotten me to where I am today if it wasn’t for the people I met and built relationships with.

What blows my mind is that the people who ended up training me, hiring me, and referring me to jobs were complete strangers just months prior.

All in all, I reached out to over 200 people in 10 months. A lot of them didn’t reply, and some of the conversations I had felt like a dead end. But that’s OK, because ultimately I did meet the people that made all the difference.

In this article, I’m sharing what I learned while reaching out to some 200 people and through watching others network. My goal is to help you overcome these common networking mistakes so you can be more effective and get results faster than I did.

I did 100% of my networking over Zoom. Coffee chats are great, but video calls are much easier to schedule and thus more approachable (for both parties).

Mistake #1: Not being specific about what you want from networking

A lot of younger people who are getting into the workforce make this mistake. They talk to anyone who will give them the time of day, ask questions that are too broad, and end up getting a life story instead of specific insights. They don’t get anywhere with the conversation and walk away with no actionable takeaways or advice that’s too generic.

Most people want to help. But it’s hard for them to do so if you don’t give them a clear direction.

Instead: Make it easy for people to help you.

Get specific. Figure out the goal you’re trying to achieve and be clear on what specific questions you have.

Help people understand how they can best help you. When you reach out, tell them what you’re looking to learn from them specifically. Make it clear where you are in the process, what you’ve learned already, and what you’re looking to gain from the conversation.

If your goal is to learn more about an industry, what specifically are you trying to learn? Are you trying to figure out the typical timeline for promotions? The average income? The challenges people face? The overall job satisfaction? The expectations for work-life balance?

If your goal is to get hired, your questions should be more specific. You might ask people how they got their foot in the door, where the opportunities are now, or who they’d talk to if they were just starting out. You might ask who does the hiring, what skills you need to learn, or how to get hands-on experience.

Keep a running list of questions in your phone. Review it before you meet with people to help guide the conversation.

Take a page from Tom Cruise. Help the people you’re networking with help you.

Mistake #2: Not networking enough

People often stop networking before they’ve gotten the momentum needed to see any results. They get discouraged and stop trying because they aren’t getting responses when they reach out, or their conversations aren’t as fruitful as they’d hoped.

Instead: Realize networking is a numbers game

The truth is, a lot of the people you talk with won’t be able to help you much. You’ll realize that someone isn’t involved in the type work you’re looking to do, or they can’t articulate how they got to where they are, or their advice is too outdated. Frankly, some of your conversations might feel like a complete waste of time.

But there are people out there who do have answers to your questions, can make important introductions, and can become incredible mentors and friends. The more people you connect with, the greater your odds of meeting those who can help you on your journey.

Set aside time each week to reach out to at least 5 new people

Create a recurring block of time on your calendar to reach out to new people. Make it daily if you can. Set a goal to reach out to at least 5 new people each week.

Why 5 people a week? Let’s assume that some won’t reply. Of those that do respond, odds are, only a few will have the knowledge, resources, or connections to help you move forward.

Increase your odds of connecting with people who could make a difference in your journey by increasing the amount of people you reach out to.

Your ability to leverage your network depends directly on how large it is.
So grow that network.

Mistake #3: Not leveraging your existing network

It’s easy to underestimate your existing connections when you start networking for new opportunities. You might think the people you know can’t offer much if they themselves aren’t working in the field. Or you assume that if they had any way to help, you would’ve known about it by now.

But you don’t know what kind of knowledge is already within your existing network until you ask. If you’re like me, you’ve probably forgotten half the people you actually know!

When I looked closer at my existing network, I realized I already knew people who could help me. A dorm neighbor from college worked in the industry. A coworker from a previous job had his own video production company. A friend who had moved to another city introduced me to a filmmaker she knew in my area. Those are all people who helped me when I started exploring the film industry who were already in my existing circles.

Instead: Tell your existing connections about your new goals

Remember those goals and specific questions you clarified earlier? Share them to your socials. Post to LinkedIn, Facebook, Twitter, and wherever else you talk to people. Tell your existing network what you’re looking to do and ask them if they might be able to help.

Yes, you’ll inevitably need to make some cold calls when growing your network, especially if you’re going into a new field. But don’t discount the knowledge and connections of the people you already know.

Keep your existing network updated on what you’re looking to do next.

Mistake #4: Reaching out on mediums where people aren’t active

When you’re reaching out to new people, are you doing so on the platforms where they spend the most amount of time and are most likely to respond on?

I’m embarrassed by how many LinkedIn messages I sent to people who hadn’t posted on the site in years. Not surprisingly, most of them went unread and unanswered. I eventually realized that most people in the film industry don’t hang out on that platform, even if they have a profile.

Turns out, people in the film industry rely heavily on Facebook for their professional lives. They actively participate in industry-specific Facebook groups to ask questions, post listings for jobs, and share updates. Once I figured this out and started connecting to people via these groups, my networking skyrocketed.

Instead: Figure out where people are already spending time, and meet them there

This is going to vary by industry and demographic. In my case, Facebook turned out to be the best place to meet professionals, but people in your industry might be more active on LinkedIn or some other platform.

How do you figure out which platform people are most active on? Ask the people you network with where the conversations are happening. Pay attention to how active people are on different sites. If you’re not having luck on social platforms, see if people share their contact info on their websites or if there are professional databases you could leverage.


Mistake #5: Writing a brand new email to each person

If you’re writing a brand new email to every single person you reach out to, you’re not playing the numbers game. The more time it takes you to reach out to each person, the fewer people you end up connecting with, and the lower your odds of meeting the people who will make a difference. Not to mention, the more time you put into crafting an email, the more you risk feeling dejected if that person doesn’t reply.

When I was starting out, I’d spend 30+ minutes researching someone’s work and crafting an email. All that extra time spent didn’t actually result in more people responding. It just kept me from being able to reach out to more people at a faster rate. I would’ve been better off spending 15 minutes on an email and doubling my reach.

Instead: Create a reusable email template

Get more efficient. Instead of recreating the wheel every time, take some time to draft an email that you just have to tweak a little before sending.

I’m not saying copy and paste the same generic email every time – people can tell when you do this, and it’s gross. Draft a message that includes why you’re reaching out, who you are, what you’re hoping to get from a conversation, and an invitation to connect. Include a personalized note for each person before you send it (ex: “I noticed you do a lot of work abroad, I’d love to hear how you got into that”).

There’s no way I would’ve been able to reach out to 200 people in a year (and ultimately connect with the people who got me work) if I was starting from scratch every time.

Keep it short, keep it sweet. Use a template, add a few personalized touches, hit send, then move on.

Here’s a networking introduction template you can customize yourself:

“Hi [insert name], I hope this finds you well [or however you greet people]. I’m reaching out because [how you learned about them], and I’m looking to meet more people in [industry or company of interest].

My experience with the industry is [short sentence of your goal and where you are currently in the process]. I’d love to connect and hear more about [specific thing you want to learn]. Would you be open to [a Zoom meeting / phone call / getting coffee] sometime next week?”

One more thing: I know it’s tempting to try to learn a bunch of stuff about someone before sending that first email. Don’t spend more than 10 minutes looking up someone’s work before reaching out. If they respond and schedule a time to connect, then you can research their work to your heart’s content. But don’t over-prepare for a meeting before someone even agrees to it.

I sure hope this person isn’t drafting an email from scratch!

Mistake #6: Getting discouraged when people don’t respond

This one hits home for me. It’s so easy to get discouraged or angry when people don’t respond after we’ve spent the time and energy putting ourselves out there. It can make you want to give up networking. Worse, it can make you come off as bitter to the people you do end up talking to.

People are busy. Taking it personally won’t help you with what you’re trying to achieve.

Instead: Send a follow-up

It’s possible that someone saw your email and was distracted before they could respond, or they just didn’t see it because their inbox is slammed.

If you haven’t gotten a response, send a follow up a week later. It can be as simple as:

“Hi [insert name]! Just following up in case my message got buried. I’d love to connect and hear about [remind them of the specific thing you’re looking to learn from them]. Would you be open to [a Zoom meeting / phone call / getting coffee] sometime?”

It’s not a guarantee, but it’s worth a shot.

…and remember that no one owes you anything

Here’s some tough love that I had to give myself: people don’t owe you shit. Don’t start feeling entitled to someone’s time or expertise just because you made an effort to get to know them. The time and help people give is a gift, not a guarantee.

Besides, your goal isn’t to talk to every single person anyway. It’s to cast your net wide enough to increase the odds of meeting the right people. So keep networking.

This dude’s not giving up on networking, right? He knows nobody owes him sh*t and that networking is a numbers game. He’s just resting his eyes.

Mistake #7: Coming off as too eager or inauthentic

Sometimes we get so caught up in making a good impression that we come off too eager or inauthentic. We focus too much on asking about the perks, and don’t dig into the negative parts of a job or industry because we don’t want the other person to question our commitment. We think the more eager we come off, the more likely this person is to help (or employ) us.

People don’t like suck-ups. They can sense when someone is being disingenuous or trying to earn brownie points.

Instead: Quit idolizing the people you network with. Talk to them as equals.

You’re much better off being honest with people. If you’re concerned about an element of the industry or company (work-life balance, wages, leadership opportunities, etc.), don’t brush it under the table. Ask for people’s perspective on it.

First of all, this allows you to actually get insights on issues you’re concerned about so you can make better decisions.

Secondly, this establishes you as a peer in people’s minds. The connection we have with someone who’s trying desperately to win our affection is very different from the connection we have with someone we consider a friend or equal. People are much more likely to help the new friend than the kid who’s trying too hard to be liked.

Finally, being honest about your concerns makes people feel better about talking with you because they feel like they’ve actually helped you. They can be honest about their experiences instead of having to sugarcoat everything. They’ll be more satisfied knowing they’re helping you understand something, rather than just pandering to someone’s fantasy of the job.

Don’t try to be a Pollyanna. Be honest with people so they can actually help you.

Mistake #8: Not circling back with people you’ve met

The point of networking isn’t to meet everyone you possibly can. It’s to meet a good amount of people, and then build relationships with those who felt most impactful.

Yes, networking is a numbers game, but once you start meeting people who add significant value to your journey, don’t just breeze by them on the way to your next connection. Double down on those relationships.

If you met with someone who shared great advice, are you following back up with them? Are you continuing to use them as a resource, or did you treat that conversation was a one-and-done deal? Most importantly, have you thanked them?

Instead: Follow up with the people who helped you the most

When you meet with someone who is eager to help you and provides helpful direction, make a note to follow up with that person in the future. Let them know how things are going for you and what you were able to accomplish because of your conversation.

If it feels appropriate, ask them to connect again. If it’s been some time since you chatted and you have new questions for them, don’t be afraid to say so.

If someone helped you, make sure they understand how impactful their advice was. They provided you with something valuable, whether it was knowledge, actionable advice, or an introduction. The value you can provide in return is gratitude, and making this awesome person feel good knowing they’ve made a positive difference in someone’s life.

Networking is tricky. The right mindset makes all the difference.

Networking can often feel uncomfortable and awkward. It’s easy to forget why we’re doing it, or to feel disappointed when it’s not working in our favor.

Remember, the more people you can potentially connect with, the more likely you are to meet those that can make a difference. There are some incredible people out there who can become your mentors, advocates, and friends. That alone makes all the trial and error of networking worth it.

Get specific. Get efficient. But most importantly, get going.

If you like this article and want more personal development content, subscribe to my YouTube channel, or follow me on Instagram and Facebook.

How to deal with being laid off

Getting laid off isn’t pleasant. It can feel like a rejection or a personal failure. It leaves you raw, vulnerable, and uncertain of what will happen next.

But layoffs don’t have to be the end of the world. In fact, getting laid off can be an incredible opportunity to reevaluate where you are and move closer towards what you really want.

I say that with confidence because I’ve been there. I got laid off and had to deal with all those anxieties and fears. But I came out on the other side on a career path I’d always dreamed of.

In this article, I’ll share how to cope with the emotions of a layoff, and how to get back on your feet and moving in a direction that feels true to you. My hope is to not only give you tools for dealing with the anxiety of a layoff, but more importantly share how you can make it a launching point for the next chapter of your life.

Table of Contents:

By the way, I recently made a video version of this blog post… Check it out!


PART I: Layoffs aren’t the worst in thing in the world

Getting laid off turned out to be one of the best things that’s happened to me

After college, I found myself working in project management for a company I loved. It was a good gig: I made decent money, worked 8:30am – 4pm, rarely worked overtime, and took plenty of paid time off for vacations.

Project management wasn’t exactly my field of interest, but I was fine with that. In college, I studied Marketing and fell in love with making videos. I had taken this job because I loved the company’s branding and wanted to get my foot in the door. My thought process was that once I’m in, I’d network my way over to the advertising side, and maybe eventually work in video production.

But it never happened. For years, I networked, took up extracurricular leadership opportunities, and made a name for myself across the company. The needle didn’t move.

Five years later, I found myself – a creative at heart – doing a technical job, managing projects I didn’t really care about. Towards the end of my time there, I was doing the minimum to get by. I had golden handcuffs on, afraid to leave without a concrete offer to work in video production. I was an overachiever throughout school and college, but now doubted my own ambition.

Then our company went through a huge merger. A quarter of my department got laid off, including me.

Even though I didn’t love the job, getting laid off was still a blow to my ego. I felt like a failure. Not only that, but I was terrified of not knowing where my next paycheck would be coming from.

Eventually, I took the layoff as a wake-up call to start being honest about what I really wanted. And what I wanted was to make my side hobby into my career, or at least try. I wanted to work in video production, to be the person behind the camera.

So I started introducing myself to professionals in the local film industry. I got gigs as the lowest person on the totem pole. I spent all my free time networking with camera crew members and learning the equipment.

A year after getting laid off, I was finally on the path to my dream of being a professional camera operator. I was regularly working as a 1st Camera Assistant (the role directly below the operator), making almost as much money as I had in my corporate job. Most importantly, I was once again engaged with my work, pushing myself with the passion that defined me as a student.

My life did a complete 180 after that layoff. It was surreal to finally be on set, working in the industry I had been curious about for so long. I got to work on commercials, indie films, and even the occasional concert. I had to pinch myself on more than one occasion while talking about my job or seeing myself in behind-the-scenes photos.

I never would’ve found myself climbing the ranks to my dream job so quickly if I didn’t get laid off the year prior.

I’m sharing my story to demonstrate that what feels like a devastating loss right now could become an opportunity to take your life in a direction you never even dreamed possible.

Why a layoff could be the best thing to happen to you

Here’s the truth: You have more options when you get laid off than when you’re employed. A layoff can be an opportunity to move your life in a direction that feels most authentic to you.

I don’t know what living more authentically means to you. Maybe it means exploring a career in a completely new industry. Maybe it means finding a job that’s more stimulating, or offers more work-life balance, or gives you more of a leadership role. Maybe it means starting your own business. Perhaps it means taking a year off work, or traveling, or being a stay-at-home parent for a little while.

The beautiful thing about a layoff is that it opens you up to all the options you may not have even considered while you were employed.

When I was employed, I wasn’t able to make any career moves in the direction I wanted because the majority of the film industry is freelance work. It felt too risky to give up my job with its salary and benefits for the uncertainty of gig work.

But when I got laid off, I suddenly had a blank slate. The golden handcuffs came off. I was forced to take the next step, whether or not I felt ready.

Once I got over the shock of losing the security of my job, I realized I could explore career options that seemed too risky when I was employed, like freelancing, moving to another city, or starting my own business. This was incredibly liberating.

That’s the good thing about a layoff – it gives you a chance to consider options you otherwise wouldn’t have while employed, and forces you to make a decision. Frankly, if it wasn’t for getting laid off, I would’ve probably still been at the same job, waiting for the perfect opportunity to present itself.

And look, even if you loved your last job, isn’t it worth at least exploring options that might better align with what you want in life?

In this guide, we’ll first cover how to deal with the emotions of a layoff. Then, we’ll get really honest about where you are now and where you want to go next. Once we know that, we’ll figure out the most important actions to get to that goal. Finally, we’ll put your plan into the calendar so you can stat to work it.

But first we gotta deal with those emotions.

PART II: How to deal with layoffs and get back on your feet

Step 1: Process the emotions of getting laid off

After a layoff, it can be really tempting to dive in and try to figure everything out right away. Uncertainty is uncomfortable. Doing something that feels productive, like immediately applying for jobs, can make us feel like we’re in control.

I know it’s hard, but resists the urge to do anything or make big decisions right away. Give yourself time to process.

Why? Because you just got laid off! That’s a stressful event. You may be feeling self-doubt, anger, fear, and a whole slew of negative emotions. These feelings put you in a reactive state of mind, which is far from an ideal headspace to make important decisions in.

If you start reacting before you’ve had a chance to process what just happened, you risk overlooking opportunities that may only present themselves when you have a calm, open state of mind.

Not to mention that when we’re stressed, we tend to gravitate towards what’s familiar because it feels safe. When we give ourselves space to think clearly about what we want, we may find ourselves drawn to goals that feels truer to us.

Give yourself time to breathe, take a step back, and look at the situation objectively.

Talk to your manager about your remaining time with the company

Ask your manager about what they expect your workload to be leading up to your last day, and how soon you can start transitioning your projects to your peers. They should be prioritizing transitioning you off projects anyway, since it’s in their best interest to give their remaining staff as much time to ramp up on new work as possible.

In my case, my manager almost immediately scaled back my work. I still had workflows I managed until my last day, but they took about a quarter of the time they did before.

Take time to yourself

Over the next few weeks, prioritize giving yourself time to process and reflect. Do whatever you need to recenter and get grounded.

Take the first few hours of each day to yourself, before you have a chance to get swept up by work and life. Do your best to stay away from your phone or computer; give your brain some time to process without distractions.

A few suggestions (but find what works best for you):

  • Take a long walk or drive.
  • Go to a viewpoint or park you love.
  • Meet with your therapist. If you don’t have one, see if your company or health insurance provides free sessions (I was able to get five per qualifying event through my employer’s Employee Assistance Program).
  • Do what you always wished you had more time for. For me, this was doing Paint by Numbers or tossing a football with my boyfriend.
  • Talk to someone you know will cheer you on (and give it some time before you break the news to people who may respond in a way that adds salt to the wound).
The day I got laid off, I spent an hour at Kerry Park, one of my favorite places in Seattle. Watching the city go about its day helped me gain some perspective.

Write about what you’re going through

Layoffs come with a lot of emotions and feelings of uncertainty. Writing makes these worries feel more manageable by getting them out of your head and onto paper. It’s easier to handle feeling overwhelmed when you can articulate what’s bothering you.

If journaling isn’t something you’ve done before or are comfortable with, try the following sentence completion exercise. For each prompt, write 3-5 different sentence endings as quickly as you can. Whatever pops into your mind is great – it doesn’t have to make sense or be grammatically correct. You’re just giving yourself some space to observe what you’re going through.

Writing prompts:

  • My fears about getting laid off include…
  • A few reasons I might feel hopeful or relieved about this layoff are…
  • Some things I feel uncertain or worried about include…
  • If I got a visit from myself 20 years in the future they would tell me…
  • If a good friend was going through a layoff, I would tell them…

Figure out your financial runway

One thing that really helped me deal with uncertainty after I got laid off was knowing my financial runway. I was able to calculate how much time I had to try working in a new field, before I absolutely had to cut my losses and find another job.

This was huge. Knowing my financial runway freed me up to explore a new industry because I knew I could put off worrying about money until a specific day in the future. It gave me financial independence, allowing me to take low-paying entry-level gigs, and eventually turn down those same gigs when I was ready for the next level.

You can do the same with some basic math. Figure out how many months you have before you absolutely have to get another job:

Tip: If you don’t use a budgeting software, you can figure out your average monthly expenses by seeing how much money you withdraw from your checking or savings account each month to pay bills.

If you want, you can also include your savings (liquid assets) along with your severance and unemployment amounts. Obviously, you want to avoid dipping into savings (let alone draining them) for as long as possible, so don’t get too comfortable with this second equation. But if you’re thinking of taking some time off, starting a new business, or getting into something less “sturdy” such as freelancing, it helps to know how much cushion you have if you run out of unemployment and severance money. 

Step 2: Take inventory of your life now and where you’d like to go in the future

Once you’ve had some space to process, spend a bit of time reflecting on the last few years of your life leading up to this layoff, as well as where you’d like to go in the future, and what’s stopping you from getting there.

This part contains prompts and writing exercises, so grab a journal or pull up a blank document on your computer.

Some of the exercises will be sentence-completion prompts, others will be questions. Aim for at least 3-5 answers to each bullet – this will help you go deeper, beyond the obvious and superficial stuff. Write as much as you can, without judgement. You don’t have to write in full sentences or edit. Just jot down whatever pops in your mind.

Writing helps us get grounded when we feel overwhelmed or stressed by getting our thoughts onto paper, instead of just swirling around in our heads. It also helps solidify our intentions. Seeing what we want written out gives us a lot more clarity than just thinking about it. 

Be completely honest. Take advantage of this blank slate. Remember, this is an opportunity to pivot your life in a direction that better aligns with what you really want, if you can get honest about what that is.

I. Where did you end up?

First, let’s take an inventory of the job you got laid off from. Think about what you learned about yourself in the time you were there. Be honest, what did and didn’t work for you?

Questions to ask yourself:

  • The things I liked about my previous job, company, and/or industry were…
  • The things I didn’t like were…
  • Some things I felt were missing included…
  • Were the challenges of this job too hard or easy, or were they the right difficulty level to keep me engaged?
  • Did I grow? Did I feel fulfilled? Or was I mostly going through the motions?
  • Was the work important to me?

Look, you don’t need to be Mother Teresa to feel like your work is meaningful. It could’ve felt meaningful because it made a difference in the lives of your coworkers or customers. Maybe you improved a process that was regularly causing customers frustration. Maybe you helped your team learn to overcome challenges.

Every job provides some sort of value – after all, that’s why you got paid to do it. Ask yourself, was that value something you’re proud of?

II. Where would you like to go?

Take this as a chance to be radically honest with yourself. Get off of autopilot and think through all the possibilities. Let yourself indulge that crazy idea. Even if you don’t end up pursuing it or make a few compromises along the way, your dream will help define your values and give clarity about the direction you want to go in.

Stay open-minded and curious about the future. Put away judgement and notions of practicality for this exercise. Don’t poo-poo your options before you’ve had a chance to really explore how you could bring them to life.

Questions to ask yourself:

  • Something I’ve been wishing I could do is…
  • In an ideal world, a year from now, I would be…
  • At the end of my life, I would regret not having tried…
  • If I had to start over completely from scratch, what would I want to do?
    • Find a similar job? Try a new industry? Take on a leadership role? Find a career with more work-life balance? Start my own business? Freelance? Work for a nonprofit?
  • Even if I don’t end up pursuing this exact idea, the fact that I have it tells me that my next chapter should include…

When in doubt, remember that this isn’t all-or-nothing. Your goals may change as you explore. There may be some compromises along the way. This isn’t about creating a perfect career or having everything figured out; it’s about moving your life in a direction that feels more authentic and fulfilling to you.

III. What’s stopping you?

Got an idea in mind? Good. Now let’s figure out what’s getting in your way.

Moving into the direction you want after getting laid off requires you to be honest with yourself about your fears. If you don’t address your fears head on, they will keep you from realizing what you truly want.

Questions to ask yourself:

  • What’s really stopping me from pursuing this?
  • What fears are keeping me from going all in?
  • What beliefs do I have about myself that make this feel out of reach?
  • What obstacles are in my way, and what could I do to overcome them?
  • What’s the worst case scenario if I try this? How might I overcome that scenario?

If you don’t know enough about a career path, could you meet with industry professionals to learn more? If you’re worried about being judged, could you talk to a mentor, therapist, or coach? If you don’t have enough financial runway, are there compromises you can make while still moving towards your goal, like taking part-time work?

If fear is holding you back, check out Tim Ferriss’ TED Talk on why you should define your fears instead of your goals.

Step 3: Figure out the most important steps to get to your goal

So far, you’ve gotten real with yourself about what you really want. Nice work, that takes a lot of guts. You’re moving in the right direction.

Next, we’re going to define the most important actions to focus on.  

Use the 80-20 rule to your advantage

Sometimes, when we’re afraid of going after what we want, we find ourselves spending time on tasks that feel productive, but don’t actually get us closer to our goals.

Have you ever spent hours researching something online before finally starting a task? Was every video or article you consumed actually helpful, or was this just a way to procrastinate?

We’re really good at keeping busy with things that aren’t important. Here’s where the 80/20 rule comes in.

The idea behind the 80-20 rule is that 80% of our results comes from 20% of our efforts. For example, a company might learn that 80% of its revenue comes from 20% of their customers. Knowing this, the company decides to spend a larger portion of its budget marketing to those customers; it knows that money it invests in those customers will result in the highest return.

The 80-20 rule can be applied to many areas of life aside from business. When we identify and focus on the handful of tasks that produce the majority of our results, we can be more effective with our time.

Here’s how I used the 80/20 rule

When I was laid off, I wanted to start working in the film industry. But my approach was all over the place, and I got nowhere the first few months. I was spending my time:

  • Looking for jobs on Linkedin
  • Networking with anyone in the film and video industry who would meet with me
  • Studying cinematography online

That all sounds dandy, but the problem was:

  • The film industry is mostly gig work. The handful of full-time jobs are reserved for producers with years of professional experience, roles I wasn’t qualified for or interested in.
  • I was networking with a lot of folks who were in the industry, but either not involved in the kind of productions I wanted to work on or unable to speak specifically about the camera department. Sure, it was nice to meet people, but my efforts would’ve been better focused on networking with producers who were hiring regularly and with camera crew members who could help me understand the path into that department. 
  • Studying high-level concepts is important, but it didn’t get me work. Not to mention, most of the training is done on the job, so all that researching didn’t actually help me prepare.

I realized I was spending 80% of my time on tasks that were getting me very few results. Those tasks felt productive – I was applying to jobs, networking, and researching – but they weren’t getting me hired.

I eventually stopped applying for jobs online and started asking people about entry-level gigs. I started networking with camera crew members and asking more specific questions about what I had to do to get my foot in the door. I connected with a local rental house to get practice using the camera gear I’d ultimately be working with. In other words, I started spending more time on the 20% of the tasks that would get me 80% of the results.

That’s when I started getting consistent gigs and gaining momentum.

Today, 80% of my gigs come from referrals from the camera rental store that trained me and from other camera crew members. It was key for me to focus on those specific relationships and get hands-on learning.

Figure out the most important steps to getting to your goal

It might take some trial and error to figure out what you need to focus on to get to your goal, and that’s okay! The important thing is that you’re deciding proactively how to spend your time, rather than reacting to whatever job posts or networking opportunities come up on your radar.

Questions to ask:

  • What are all the possible tasks I may need to do to achieve my goal?
  • Of those tasks, which feel productive but in reality don’t get me closer to my goal?
  • What kind of people might help me get closest to my goals? What specific questions do I have? What’s my goal in networking?
  • If I had to pick just three tasks from this list, which ones are likely to get me the furthest towards my goal?
  • The most important things I need to do to gain momentum are…

If you’re spending a lot of time researching, how actionable is your learning? Will it help you take the next step, or are you just over-preparing as a way of procrastinating? Don’t let learning and administrative tasks dominate your time and keep you from the larger picture.

Do strong connections in the company increase your odds of getting hired from a pool of applicants? If so, prioritize meeting employees from that company.

If finding clients is the most important step of starting to freelance, reach out to those people first to find time on their calendar. Don’t wait until your website, and portfolio are done to start building relationships.

If you’re starting a new business, spend as much time working on your business strategy as you do on studying theory.

Yes, you’ll probably need to spend some time on the rest of the things on your list. Researching, updating your website, and applying to jobs online are important, but they may not be the most important things to focus on.

Decide now which tasks are the most effective in getting you closer to your goal. Prioritize those tasks by spending 80% of your time on them. Limit most everything else to the remaining 20% of your time.

Step 4: Put your plan in your calendar and start working it

Once you know the most important steps to get to your goal, the rest is easy. Set your schedule. Start broad – think about how much time you want to give yourself to work towards this goal. Get more and more granular as you set due dates for the key steps you identified in the last step, and allocate time in your daily schedule for them.

Physically putting things in your calendar takes your goal from being just an abstract idea in your brain to something that’s concrete on paper. It’s easier to motivate yourself to work on something when you have a deadline to working toward.

Set an overall deadline for your goal

How long are you giving yourself to try this? For example, if you have 6 months of financial runway before you have to go into savings, mark that date in your calendar.

The point isn’t to drop your goal entirely if you don’t reach it by this date. This might be the day you check back in, reevaluate your financial runway, adjust your goals, take on a part time job if needed, etc.

Set due dates for key steps

What milestones do you need to achieve to get to your goal? When could you have them done if you focused on the most most important tasks first? Put those due dates in your calendar.

For example, if you need to network, a milestone might be “one month from now, I’ll have talked to 15 new people.” If you’re writing a book, it might be “in 100 days, I’ll have my first draft done.”

Schedule daily blocks of time to work on key steps

Create a schedule of what you want to work on in each part the your day. For example, you might spend the morning working on your portfolio and a few hours in the afternoon connecting with people in your industry.

Put your new daily schedule somewhere you can see it easily, like a sticky note on your monitor. If you want to go above and beyond, create a daily block of time in your calendar for each task.

The structure of a schedule allows you to start every day with clarity. Knowing when you’re working on each task takes the effort out of having to decide what to prioritize every day.

Our brains love routines because they’re predictable. This is why schedules are so important when pursuing something new. When your brain knows what to expect (for example, heads-down work in the mornings and networking in the afternoon), it’s easier for it to focus and switch gears efficiently.

The more you can establish a routine out of working on your goal, the fewer decisions you have to make about how to spend your time, and the more you can focus on getting the real work done. We gain momentum through repetition. We gain repetition through routines.

You’re on the right track.

If you’re still with me this far in the article, I can tell you’re serious about taking advantage of getting laid off and want to move your life in a better direction. You’ve started to think about what you really want and what it would take to get there. Way to go, it’s not always easy being honest about what we want!

If this is starting to feel overwhelming, take a breath. It’s OK to feel out of your depth. Layoffs can be stressful. Be kind to yourself.

A layoff can be an opportunity to pursue your dreams, but remember, it doesn’t have to be all-or-nothing. The goal is to move your life closer to what feels more authentic to you, and that sometimes requires baby steps. Stay honest, open-minded, and curious; you don’t have to have all the answers right away.

And when the fear of uncertainty starts creeping back in – and it will, because humans are wired to want certainty – come back to what you’ve written. Reread your inventory of where you were and where you want to go, it’ll remind you why you’re doing this in the first place. Write about what you’re going through; even if you don’t have all the answers, the simple act of putting your fears on paper helps make them feel more manageable.

Things aren’t going to be perfect. You might fall off your schedule, not meet a deadline, or realize you’ve been spending your time on the wrong things. That’s okay. Just keep coming back to the bigger picture, again, and again, and again.

You’re on the right track already.

Now go get ‘em.

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Passive Aggressive Sarcasm: Why we do it & how to nip it in the bud

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We all know someone who seems to pride themselves in their passive aggressive comments. They snap “nothing” when asked what’s wrong, respond to texts with a “K” to make their disapproval known, and seem to always have a strong opinion they’re not explicitly stating. This might be a friend, your partner, a family member… heck, it might even be you!

If you’re trying to understand why people respond passive aggressively, or if you’re constantly finding yourself saying petty and sarcastic things when you’re upset, look no further. In this guide, we’ll cover why people respond in this way and why it’s a problem. Once we understand the “why,” we’ll cover how to both stop being passive aggressive and how to respond to someone acting this way.

Hang on, Tali, what makes you the expert?

The best way to learn about an experience is through the eyes of someone who’s lived, it, right?

I spent an embarrassing chunk of my twenties doling out passive aggressive comments. I snapped that “nothing’s wrong” and gave silent treatments. I doubled down on petty remarks instead of being upfront about things that bothered. It was dumb, and rarely resolved the issue at hand.

But passive aggressiveness was how I saw other friends, family members, and partners communicating, and it felt like the only tool I had at the time. So I used it.

Then, in the last few years, I started spending more time with two people who made me question why I was behaving that way. They constantly disarmed me with their genuine desire to understand. While everyone else brushed off sarcastic comments, they responded with patience and compassion. They made sure everyone felt comfortable enough to be direct and honest instead of hiding behind petty comments.

With time, I learned to communicate in a much healthier and more productive way. I’m not perfect, I still have my bad days when I make snarky comments instead of being candid. But I’ve come a long way from the person I was before.


Why are people passive aggressively sarcastic?

I made a 3-part video series on just this topic. The first video covers this very question: why are people passive aggressively sarcastic? I’ll summarize it in the sections below.

What is passive aggressive sarcasm?

Passive aggressiveness is anything that’s meant to deliver a message of anger, spite, or frustration instead of directly acknowledging a problem. While there are many forms of passive aggressiveness, such as backhanded compliments and patronizing, this guide will focus on sarcasm.

Sarcasm in the context of passive aggressiveness is using irony or mocking to express irritation without outwardly stating we’re upset. Some classic examples:

  • Saying “fine,” “whatever,” or “OK then” when we’re unhappy with an outcome
  • Texting “K” when we’re annoyed
  • The good ol’ “nothing” when asked what’s wrong,
  • “Wow, sounds like fun” or “woulda been nice to be invited” in response to learning about plans that took place without us
  • “Fine, I guess I’ll just…” followed by whatever task we weren’t able to outsource
  • “I love it when…” followed by whatever someone did to upset us
  • “Big surprise” when a friend does something we find frustrating and predictable (i.e. running late, cancelling plans)

All these phrases can be used in regular conversation and not necessarily be passive aggressive; don’t worry, your grandma isn’t being petty when she comments “Wow, looks like fun!” on your vacation photos. And not all sarcasm is malicious.

Like all communication, it’s not about what’s being said, but how it’s being said. The tone, inflection, and body language often give it away (eyerolls and raised eyebrows reign supreme). Not to mention, when someone is being passive aggressive, they want you to know something’s wrong.

Why we respond passive aggressively

Like breaking any bad habit, to stop being passive aggressive, we need to first understand why we’re doing it.

Passive aggression is a defense mechanism rooted in fear. We use passive aggressive sarcasm to indirectly express that we’re hurt or angry when we’re afraid to be honest about our feelings.

We may feel feel upset, disrespected, disappointed, excluded, or rejected. We’re afraid about being upfront about our feelings might get us rejected, laughed at, dismissed, or misunderstood, so we avoid sharing them explicitly.

This fear may come from…

1. Believing we’re not worthy

This is fear that if we speak up, our friend, family member, or partner may leave us. If a friend makes us feel unimportant, but deep down we think we’re barely fitting in as is, we feel powerless to say anything for fear of stirring the pot. If a partner makes us feel disrespected, but we subconsciously believe we don’t deserve them to begin with, we fear asking for too much.

2. Thinking people don’t want to listen or change

We may resort to sarcasm if we think people are unwilling to understand our needs or change their behavior. If someone does something that hurts us, and we believe that’s just the way things are, we conclude that speaking up won’t accomplish anything anyway. Why risk the embarrassment of sharing how we feel if nothing will change anyway?

3. Not having better communication tools

We might also lack the tools or confidence to communicate our emotions. If all we’ve ever seen is our parents, friends, or romantic partners being passive aggressive as a way of communicating their feelings, it’s no wonder we’d fall into the same habits.

See the source image

Kermit sipping tea: The ultimate symbol of passive aggressive sarcasm. The meme takes a dig at a person or group, and then pretends not to actually be bothered.

The problems with passive aggressive sarcasm

Passive aggressive sarcasm is pretty much the most ineffective form of communication. Not only does it fail to resolve whatever issue is bothering us, but it also damages our relationships and self-esteem.

1. Passive aggressive sarcasm undermines our relationships

When we respond to anger with sarcasm, we send the message to whoever we’re talking to that they’re incapable of dealing with the issue at hand. We’re deliberately making the situation uncomfortable by playing games. We’re punishing whoever upset us, instead of trusting them to hear us out and giving them chance to respond.  

Passive aggressive sarcasm tells people that we don’t trust them or value the relationship enough to be honest about what’s bothering us.

2. It doesn’t actually resolve the thing we’re upset about

Here’s the kicker: All that those sarcastic remarks are for naught. They don’t get whatever bothered us in the first place resolved.

These indirect jabs rarely get an honest conversation started about what’s really going on. Sure, the other person can tell we’re angry, and they might have an idea of why. But it doesn’t make sense to expect someone else to do all the heavy lifting of addressing the problem if we don’t meet them halfway. Meaningful conflict resolution can only take place when we’re honest about what’s going on.

3. It’s damaging to our self-esteem

This is the most troubling thing about passive aggressive sarcasm. It’s a behavior that reaffirms whatever negative beliefs cause it in the first place.

Every time we respond sarcastically instead of telling someone how they made us feel, we’re teaching ourselves that we don’t deserve to be heard and have our problems addressed. Because sarcasm rarely leads to conflict resolution, we’re confirming our subconscious beliefs that nobody cares about how we feel, that we’re powerless to say anything, and that this is the only way we can respond when things don’t go our way.

That’s a pretty shitty lesson to be teaching ourselves over and over again, when really what we want at the end of the day is to feel seen and heard.

If you truly want a different outcome – for your buddy to stop canceling last minute, for your partner to put away their phone and spend quality time with you, to be included in your friends’ plans, to feel your opinions are heard – you have to take responsibility for communicating your needs.

And if you don’t want a different outcome… well, ask yourself: why not? If someone made you feel so angry that you want to lash out with a sarcastic remark, doesn’t that warrant at least some introspection about your own self-worth?


How to stop being passive aggressive

If you want to take a break from reading, watch the second video from my three-part series that answers this question. Otherwise, read on for a summary.

While sarcasm sometimes feels like the only socially acceptable way to respond when we’ve been wronged and we’re worried about stirring the pot, there’s a healthy alternative that allows us to have our needs met and improve our relationships. It’s deceptively simple, but it’s not always easy, and takes practice (along with a healthy dose of vulnerability).

Right now, take a moment and write down a simple phrase that can keep you grounded next time you’re itching to say something passive aggressive. Think of something that can make you feel open to responding differently, something that will trigger you take a step back from the situation. I’ve included some examples below:

  • “My goal is to be authentic and honest with the people I’m close with”
  • “I’m respecting my friendship by being honest”
  • “I’m respecting my relationship by not playing games”
  • “I’m worthy of this relationship”
  • “People deserve the benefit of the doubt”
  • “It’s up to me to communicate what’s wrong”

The next time you feel the urge to respond to something that bothers you with sarcasm:

1. Take a breath.

Take a moment to catch your breath. Take a step back. Remember the phrase you chose keep you grounded and honest.

2. Identify what’s really bothering you

Be honest with yourself. What made you angry or annoyed just now? Anger is almost always fear or hurt in disguise. See if you can dig a little deeper.

Did you feel disrespected? Embarrassed? Rejected? Excluded? Ignored? Unimportant? Unseen? Unheard?

3. Give your feedback

Tell the other person how they made you feel. Don’t worry, this doesn’t have to feel like a dramatic affair where everyone sits in a circle and talks about their feelings for hours. You’re not derailing the whole conversation or starting an intervention. It can be much more casual than that.

It helps me to think of this as giving feedback. We give and receive feedback at work all the time – addressing and working through problems is something we expect as a key part of keeping business running. You can think of giving feedback in your personal life the same way – it’s a necessary part of keeping relationships healthy and strong.

A simple way to bring up something that bothers you is through a “When you…, I feel…” statement.

“When you cancel our plans at the last minute, I feel like my time isn’t important to you, and like our friendship isn’t a priority”

“When you pull out your phone in the middle of a conversation, I feel like you don’t really want to spend time with me, and it makes me feel unimportant”

“When you invited everyone but me to your party, I felt like I was being excluded, and it hurt”

You get the idea. “When you… I feel” statements bring attention to the problem objectively. This keeps things from escalating by avoiding accusations like “YOU always cancel,” “YOU never listen,” etc.

Nothing’s guaranteed, but it’s worth trying

A quick reminder: We can’t always get what we want. Even when we do our best to communicate, others may disagree with our expectations, proceed with their plans regardless, or repeat the thing that bothered us in the future.

That’s fine. The world doesn’t revolve around us and doesn’t owe us anything just because we decided to set a higher bar for ourselves. Not to mention, people aren’t perfect, and some level of disagreement is inevitable no matter how healthy the relationship. We may not always get the outcome we desire, but that doesn’t mean the effort to communicate our feelings wasn’t worth it.

Worst case scenario is we tried but didn’t get what we wanted anyway. That certainly feels better than not trying at all, or saying something snarky, and wondering what would’ve happened if we were honest instead. Like most things self-growth, there’s not a lot to lose, but a whole lot to gain.

The message we send to ourselves and our loved ones when we choose to speak candidly instead of resorting to passive aggressive comments is in itself worthwhile.


How to respond to passive aggressive sarcasm

Check out video 3 of my mini-series on passive aggressive sarcasm (but don’t worry, I go over the same steps below)

So you’ve found yourself a target of a snide remark. Or maybe the conversation isn’t going anywhere because someone is dominating it with passive aggressive one-liners.

Hopefully by now, we agree that passive aggressiveness stems from fear. Yes, there are plenty of articles that will tell you that people who say passive aggressively things are toxic. Those articles recommend ignoring their behavior, treating them like a kid throwing a fit, or shutting them down by “killing them with kindness.”

That seems pretty patronizing. If you don’t care about the relationship or just need to get through the day without your coworker’s sarcasm bringing you down, feel free to take that advice.

But I think there’s room in our world for a bit more compassion than that. After all, we’re dealing with our friends, partners, and family members here. We should at least try to come from a place of understanding before we start labeling them as malicious.

From my personal experience, the most effective way to disarm someone who makes sarcastic remarks is to see their comments as a cry for help, and show them that you take their concerns seriously.

But doesn’t responding with compassion just reward the behavior?

You might think that responding this way just encourages the other person to continue their behavior in the future. Quite the opposite. This response shows the passive aggressive person that your relationship matters enough to want to resolve any issues. It teaches our passive aggressive friend that they are safe to be honest. It shows our partner that we do care about their feelings. It reminds our family member that they can trust us.

As I mentioned earlier, I have two people in my life that do this effortlessly. For them, addressing the passive aggressive comment doesn’t come from a sense of frustration (“ugh, Tali’s being passive, here we go again”). It comes from a sense of curiosity and understanding (“oh, Tali seems afraid to tell me why she’s upset… I wonder what’s really going on here”).

My relationships with these people deepened because I learned I don’t have to hide my feelings with sarcasm. They continually responded with compassion and kindness. Eventually, I learned I don’t need to be sarcastic to get my message across to them. I found myself comfortable enough to skip the snide remark altogether and get straight to what’s really going on.

This response opened my eyes to how I can better communicate my feelings. More importantly, it taught me that I do deserve to be heard up when I’m upset. That’s a beautiful thing, and I’m eternally grateful for the growth I’ve experienced because of their kindness.

Most of us ignore passive aggressive comments (because they’re annoying and make us uncomfortable) and then gossip about them with others later. I’m certainly guilty of this myself. Instead of just letting passive aggressive comments slide (or rolling our eyes), let’s have a plan for how to respond to people in a healthy way:

1. Take a deep breath.

Take a step back before reacting. Give yourself a moment to see the bigger picture.

2. Remember that this person is probably hurt

If someone is lashing out, chances are it’s not about you and more about their own insecurities and fears. Beneath the obvious anger, there’s probably pain they’re afraid to share. If we care about this person at all, we must remind ourselves that they’re just asking for help with the best tools they have. It really sucks to have your feelings hurt but feel powerless to say anything.

Think about how you can convey curiosity and understanding, rather than frustration.

3. Offer open-ended questions

This can be as simple as “Hey, what’s going on? It seems like there’s something bothering you” or “What do you mean by that?”

Keep it open ended. Asking a defensive person yes-or-no questions like “is something bothering you?” or “is everything OK?” will likely just elicit more sarcastic responses like “NOPE, I’m fine” or “Oh yeah, TOTALLY.”

It’ll probably take a few attempts and some prying to get the passive aggressive person to feel safe enough to open up. They may not take your question seriously. In that case, follow up by letting them know you’re truly interested in understanding: “It feels like you’re upset about something I said. I want to understand so I can help.”

If they’re not budging or insisting on moving on, you can always say “OK, but if you change your mind later and want to talk, I’m open to it.” This is less about stopping the sarcasm right away, and more about creating an atmosphere where the person knows they can be honest when they’re ready.

Remember, people don’t stop being passive aggressive overnight

You’re not going to get someone to stop being passive aggressive right away. Sarcastic remarks are a result of many years of someone feeling like they’re not allowed to express their true feelings, and of having that belief reaffirmed by everyone who shrugged them off. It takes time and effort to undo that kind of learning.

Have some patience. We’re all just doing our best with the tools we have, and most of us are still working with the rusty old hammer that our parents handed down to us when we moved out. If you’ve been blessed with a better toolbox, all you can do is share your knowledge and demonstrate to that person they have a whole range of other options to consider.

And if after months or years of trying, someone still refuses to meet us halfway and continues to be passive aggressive, at least we know we’ve done our part. At the end of the day, that’s all we can really ask for.


We all deserve better.

Passive aggressive sarcasm is a defense mechanism that keeps us from communicating how we really feel. Many of us have learned it to be the only response available to us when we’re upset. When we instead choose patience and honesty, we teach ourselves and the people in our lives how to communicate in a healthier and more effective way.

I hope you’ve found this guide on passive aggressive sarcasm helpful. What tips do you have for dealing with a passive aggressive friend or partner? Share your thoughts in the comments.

Summary of this guide

Passive aggressive sarcasm is using ironic or mocking remarks to indirectly express frustration without actually admitting we feel angry or hurt.

  • People respond in this way because they’re afraid sharing their feelings may get them rejected, laughed at, dismissed, or misunderstood.
  • This can come from feeling unworthy, believing that people are unwilling to listen, or not having any other communication tools.

Problems with passive aggressive sarcasm:

  1. It undermines our relationships
  2. It doesn’t actually resolve the thing we’re upset about
  3. It’s damaging to our self-esteem

How to stop being passive aggressive and sarcastic:

  1. Take a deep breath. Think of your grounding phrase
  2. Identify what’s truly bothering you. What do you feel beneath the anger?
  3. Give your feedback using “When you do XYZ, I feel…” statements

How to respond to passive aggressive or sarcastic comments:

  1. Take a deep breath
  2. Remember that this person is probably hurt, but too afraid to say it
  3. Offer an open-ended question. Remember that it’ll likely take a little prying to get the passive aggressive person to feel safe enough to open up

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